My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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