Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize