Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
