We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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