wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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