Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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