I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
