Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
