also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize