I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
