just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
