I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
