Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
