Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
