even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize