you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
