we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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