I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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