I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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