a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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