4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
