i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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