Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You are the jesus of drinking
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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