Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize