Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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