he wants to bone in the snuggie
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
cat food counts as protein by the way
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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