I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
