Sorry, I don't speak sober.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
