I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
