toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
