He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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