He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
