Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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