he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
