Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
