you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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