My first STD was from a foam party
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I need moral support for this bender
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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