every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
