My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
