i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
