That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
