Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
