Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
