I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
