I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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