Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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