New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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