i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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