would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize