My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
