sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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