Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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