I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
