She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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