Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to calm my uterus...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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