areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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