I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
