i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
