All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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