Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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