you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
